The Invisible Library
The Invisible Library - Part I

Drabbles from the Harry Potter Books by JK Rowling

satora_chan: From the Introduction And Historical Notes to Hogwarts, A History:

In forging the history of the wizarding race and its interactions with the Muggle world and with itself, ie, the intergenerational bonds forged by those of a magical persuasion, it is well to remember (as the great wizard Maledictia so pithily put it) "We do not incontrovertibly compete with each other but rather our expectations of ourselves" keeping in mind his devotion to that branch of magic in which many advances were yet to be made, animagery; therefore we present this small and condensed volume concerning the history of that eminient institution known as Hogwarts, a touchstone for generations.

Sam's Footnote: Yes. That is all one sentence. This is why Hermione is one of the few who's ever read the thing.

***

bare_bear: From Death Omens: What to do When You Know the Worst is Coming, chapter two (Confirmation):

...no reason to be alarmed by a single omen, though it is of course prudent to pay attention to those little things in life which may be telling us that the end is near. For this reason it is advisable to try and confirm a death omen, preferably within a few hours of witnessing it. This is not to say that one should go in search of further omens, but a spot of tea-leaf divination or a search amongst the shrubbery for dog spoor -- Grims, it is notoriously said, do not need to "eliminate"* -- can do wonders...

* It is believed that this legend, regarding the Grims, is the origin of the saying "I bet she thinks she craps like a Grim", analogous to the Americanism "I know you like to think your shit don't stink".

***

agonizingmercy: From the introduction to The Invisible Book of Invisibility:

The most imperative part of invisibility is, of course, not to be seen. While one may believe that invisibility and not-being-seen are similar they are, in fact, quite the opposite. To be invisible is to exclude the possibility of being seen, while not-being-seen is simply a matter of stealth. Why, I spend several hours a day not-being-seen in the kitchen because I am in my study!

However, the practice of not-being-seen is hardly a simple one when applied to the idea of eventual invisibility. It requires a certain state of mind in which one is conscious not only of...

***

a_is_for_amy: From The Invisible Book Of Invisibility, Appendix II (Famous Invisibles):

The most famous Invisible Man is undoubtedly a wizard who traveled under the name of Griffin. It is not a distinguished story; rather, he chose to play silly buggers with a group of Muggles and, we are given to understand, came to no good end.

It is instructive to hear the story of men who have achieved invisibility; for when we are entirely transparent, we may hide nothing and madness may often result. One must be of firm resolution and strong moral fibre. A good constitution is also important if one is planning to go about invisibly without any clothes on...

***

canadianvampyr: From the preface to The Philosophy of the Mundane: Why Muggles Prefer Not To Know:

...long been posited that Muggles are, in fact, ignorant by inability rather than choice. The theory that Muggles lack some vital part of the Wizarding eye which prevents them from even seeing magic is faintly ridiculous, but has been cherished as a myth and taught as a fact in many Magical schools for many years (the notable exception being Hogwarts School, where Magical Anatomy was retired when Albus Dumbledore assumed the position of Headmaster).

No, it is the assumption and thesis of this volume that Muggles willfully ignore the existence of magic for many reasons -- self preservation not the least...

***

maybebabies: From Wizarding Law Concerning Muggles: The Naughty Bits by Allison Siegs:

There are very few formal laws regarding Wizard-Muggle intermarriage before the Blue Reforms of the 1930s. Prior to this time, it was considered impolite to even discuss the formulation of possible offspring, though they were not small in number. It was the responsibility of the old clans and families, the magical populace believed, to discipline the community as a whole and either approve of disapprove of affairs and marriages as they saw fit. The most, shall we say, "vigorous" of these old families in their duty was undoubtedly the Blacks, who insisted no family related to them should suffer marriage...

***

stvincent: From The Adventures of Martin Miggs, The Mad Muggle:

NEW ISSUE SPECIAL #1
Martin Miggs the Mad Muggle
Check your local branch of Flourish and Blotts for the new Special Trade Edition of Martin Miggs the Mad Muggle. Follow Martin's madcap mishaps through the last year's full set of biweekly issues!

Included with the new Trade is an entirely new adventure about Martin Miggs -- Martin Miggs Marries! Watch him bluff and bother his way through a Wizarding Wedding, with ballpunt pens, digital watches, and telly visions at every turn! Will he be able to keep the Lovely Lucinda, his bewitching fiancee, from running off with the Dark Wizard Badnificent? Find out!

***

lady_alouris: From the introduction to Madcap Magic for Wacky Warlocks:

The authors of this work would like to assure our readers that no crups or kneazles were harmed in the making of this book. All photographs are merely simulations and are for documentary purposes only. We do not advise actually attempting to tie a pixie to a kneazle's tail in order to disrupt your Aunt Mae's wedding.

On the subject of pixies, please be advised that it is quite wrong to use them to get out of doing homework (by releasing them in your dormitory common room) or tormenting one's family with them. Pixies should be used only in ministry-approved...

***

impinc: From Nature's Nobility: A Wizarding Genealogy Chapter 4 (The Great British Clans):

...well-known fact that many of the so called Great Clans of Britain were in fact transplants from Rome who came with Caesar or Hadrian as soldiers.

Unlike some other areas of the world, which are less rigid in their attention to familial structure, intermarriage with Muggles, and clannish power, British wizardry maintains an extremely codified set of beliefs regarding inheritance and descendancy. Until the middle of the last century, the Great Clans were expected to enforce these as law, including a ban on any child of a Clan marrying an outsider. This has led to some of the most complicated...

***

cerridwen666: From Hairy Snout, Human Heart, latest edition, Chapter 2 (Werewolves I Have Known):

It occurred to me when speaking with some young men of my acquaintance that the most intelligent way to convince the ignorant of the essential humanity of a werewolf is to show them in a human light; to introduce you to one werewolf as a person.

"R" has spent nearly his whole life as a werewolf. He keeps a careful lunar calendar and has an almost neurotic bodily modesty, but is otherwise a very ordinary young man -- he supports Puddlemere United, does well in school, has many friends, and is a normal teen-aged boy, who wrote to me recently...

***

no name given: From On Becoming An Animagi - A Guide for the Advanced Wizard chapter 3 (So You Think You're A Camel):

...absolutely vital to be thoroughly aware of one's natural animal tendencies. This goes far beyond personal appearance and personal preference; it is not enough to wish to be a dog, mouse, tiger, or wolf. You must not only know your animal self but accept it completely.

I am put in mind of the case of Gerald Goodbed, a sixteenth century animagus who wrote I amme put aboyt with cravingyes, urgys, and diurse Instinks which aryse from thee Spirit of my chosen Animall. Would that I had never seen ay TOAD, for I am loath to eat flyes and yet cannat resyst!

***

alaranth_88: From Gadding with Giants by Gilderoy Lockhart, chapter 8 (My Beloved Veela):

While it is common for women to fall in love with me, between my exploits and my dashing good looks, there is no woman so memorable to my extensive experience as that most beautiful of creatures, the child of a Human and a Veela.

I was fortunate enough to encounter such a woman on the road from my conquest of the zombies of Sheffield to London, where I was much in demand by the press as always. She was in distress, having with her radiance attracted several young men of suspicious character whom I suspected to be werewolves. At once I dispatched...

***

uncrown: From Magical Me by Gilderoy Lockhart, Chapter 12 ("Hair!"):

...most important, particularly in crowds such as the throngs who flock to my readings, signings, speaking engagements and endorsement events, to maintain a steadfast appearance. One must never be dismayed by the passionate adulation of one's fans. Graciousness and humility are always the watchwords of the fantastically famous.

How does one accomplish this? This melding of humility and greatness, this combination of wisdom and gracious acceptance of one's destiny? Quite easily, when one has fantastic hair.

Hair, indeed, is a crucial step. It must be beautiful but not ostentatious, carefully styled but not stiff or awkward. Hair is beauty, vitality, life!

***

See also the section on Ellis Graveworthy, particularly jcomer2001 and aura218.

niuserre: From The Art of Fisticuffs by the Marquis of Faintailler, Chapter Four (Common Fisticuffs, or, The Gentlemen Abhor It):

...generally known that while the lower classes engage in lawless brawling, any true gentleman will impress on them such caution and respect that they will rise to the occasion, neither giving offence nor taking it without the proper procedure, ie:

Offence having been given, the first party (the offender) must be challenged and given proper opportunity to make amends;

The second party receiving no reparations, the first party invites them to duel with a properly placed glove against the cheek.

The first party may respond with an immediate challenge by placing his fists in defensive position One and his feet properly placed...

***

tienriu: In the style of a folk song, from the Epic of Cohen the Barbarian:

Now in Ankh-Morpork about this time
There was a watchman by the name of Sam Vimes
Who said "Buggre alle this for a lark
I'm not going up in your bloody flying ark"
"Right Ho then," said Captain Carrot keen
"I'll go up in the flying machine, Sir! I'll go up
in the flying machine!"

If Cohen the Barbarian had been a-standin' there
He'd have took that young man by the short curly hairs
He'd have said "You listen to that Commander of yours
And don't go up in the flying machine, no
Don't go up in the flying machine"

***

aqua_eyes: From Adventures With Crossbow and Rod Chapter 8 (Give A Man a Fish):

...a few areas of the Adventurer's life which are cushioned somewhat by a thorough working knowledge of magic. The conundrum is this: that any wizard attending the university has all the fight and will to survive in the wilderness taken from him; yet it is only he who is truly trained with the viciousness necessary for survival.

Fish, in particular, are susceptible to many forms of magic. Why, when I traveled on the banks of the Muntabian Great River it was salmon every night! I would catch some horrible thing, sell it, and buy tinned salmon from the outpost traders...

***

wanderingwidget: From Necrotelicomnicon Discussed for Students, With Practical Experiments -- Experiment #4, "Demonic Talking And The Grocer":

...determined that the grocer caters to victims of the Mobile Telegnome, you are ready to begin your experiment. Prepare the grocery list as discussed and be certain that you have acquired a standard shopping trolley. Locate someone with a Mobile Telegnome and stay near them.

You should observe, as you draw closer, that the Mobile Telegnome in fact seems to guide their movements, directing them into your path of travel if not directly into your shopping trolley. You may even observe the phenomenon of Too Much Information Transfer, wherein the victim appears to be oversharing in a public place...

***

dyingfire: From Second Scroll of Wen the Eternally Surprised:

There came a day when Wen chose to sit in silent contemplation, and neither the venerable Clodpool nor any of the junior monks* dared disturb him.

* Many down from the Monastery of the Monks of Cool, time being very hip these days.

As the day wore on, the monks became nervous; when Wen did not return for supper, Clodpool went out to him and sat by him in contemplation.

"What are you contemplating, Master?" he asked timidly.

"Cycles," Wen replied. "The way the time-stones move round."

"Listen, we caught the boy who was using two of them to wring out the laundry..."

***

woelfle: From Edible Architecture of Bergholt Stuttley Johnson by Startup Nodder, Chapter 3 ("Silver Linings"):

The architecture of BS Johnson was, as few critics realise, not entirely without its good side. Several years ago the dictator of a small country just east of Ephebe commissioned an Uberwaldean palace. Mistaking the figurative title of "gingerbread architecture" for a literal description, Johnson built a gingerbread house complete with frosting icicles and a witch made of marzipan.

Fortunately, the house did not go to waste; a sudden famine drove the citizenry to revolt and devour the cottage whole. Johnson is said to have gone mad over this tragedy, but very few people believe it could have happened so recently.

***

danceswchopstck: From Edible Architecture of Bergholt Stuttley Johnson by Startup Nodder, Chapter 9 ("Religious, Intentionally and Unintentionally"):

Perhaps the most famous example of Johnson's edible architecture is the Cookpantheon, located just outside of Ankh-Morpork, though it was once several miles from the city. Originally intended as a place of pilgrimage for the city's wealthy, the Cookpantheon (commissioned by Lord Gerald Cook) was designed as a circular building with a massive dome. Johnson's ingenuity came immediately to the fore; rather than build the dome, at considerable expense, he would raise it by placing stones on top of a yeast-bread mixture which, when heat was applied to the outer walls, would rise and push the stones into place...

***

yodels: From Men Who Love Dragons Too Much, Appendix II (Dangerous Figurines):

There are several more or less harmless forms of figurines concerning dragons, collected mainly by Dragon enthusiasts. However, there are several varieties of figurines which should be considered warning signs that Your Man May Love Dragons Too Much.

Foremost among these is the Adorable Dragon, which is often portrayed doing something commonplace such as drinking coffee or wearing mittens. These are pocket-sized and therefore dangerously portable to secret masculine dragonfancier meetings.

Another very specialised form of dragon figurine that should indicate unhealthy obsession is one which is designed to easily fit into small orifices such as the mouth or the...

***

fevvy: From Men Who Love Dragons Too Much, Chapter 5 ("De Malachite"):

Certainly De Malachite was an important experimenter and, in his own way, set many precedents. In attempting to summon a dragon himself and mysteriously vanishing soon after, he served as a cautionary tale to many who Love Dragons Too Much. "Look to De Malachite!" the cry is raised amongst the Draconic Temperance Movement while it smashes Dragon figurines and burns posters of the noble if sometimes overrated beast.

Indeed, let us look to De Malachite. A scholar and man of inquiry like so many who Love Dragons Too Much, where did he go wrong? What pushed him over that razor's edge?

***

missfarenheit: From The Summong of Dragons by De Malachite, Chapter Two ("Preparedness"):

It is advysibule to have such itymmes as will assyst one in putyng out such FLAMMES as may aryse in the handling of Dragyns of Stachoor. Those who would summyn dragyns are advysed that the care of Draconis Vulgaris or the Commyn Swamp Dragyn is excellent preparation for thee summonyng of Draconis Nobilis and quyte lucrative as they are much in DEMAND in certyn quarterrs of the Citye as bobbles for Womyn Of Negoshabyl Affyction, kettle heaters, disposyrs of trash, and Guard Creatyres.

They retayne their urge to HORDE TRESURE howevyr and unlike Nobyl Dragyns tend to HORDE SOCKES.

Drabbles from Sandman by Neil Gaiman
and
Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

3goodtimes: From The Word, the final chapter:
Note: The Word is the tome which Destiny of the Endless reads; it chronicles the history of the universe.

...those poor mortal beings who once prided themselves on absolute knowledge of how this tome would end now shuddered for what seemed so serene had come upon them. Entropy, the fifth horseman, rode across the universe, the hooves of his great night-black gelding leaving hoarfrost trails in the sky. His staff of ice thrust through each star and planet in turn, with no hurry or concern; there would be time for all to feel the chill serenity of absolute cold.

But in the strange, backwards little outland known as Earth to its primitive inhabitants, a fire was being kindled and...

***

cesario: From Here Comes a Candle by Erasmus Fry:
Note: Here Comes A Candle is from the "Calliope" series of Sandman.

"They are allotted a certain time in which to live and die," said Hermann. "The world being a little brighter for their existence."

"I don't understand," I replied. "What do you mean alotted? People aren't predestined with deaths."

"Not most of us," Hermann agreed. "For most of us it doesn't matter -- I won't use the mechanical allegory of cogwheels and clockfaces, but look here. Most of us are like pieces of dust, the kind you see dancing in sunbeams. Stirred up into a cloud in a dark room, we are only seen when a candle is placed there to light us."

***

miraielle: From Here Comes a Candle by Erasmus Fry:

I thought of what Hermann had told me about dust and light; how dust was made beautiful by light cast upon it and how the mass of humanity was like that dust, waiting for a candle -- waiting, one day, for a sunbeam to bring us out of darkness for more than one brief flash.

She was so small and delicate-boned as most children are, but already her mouth could set in a determined look far too old for her age.

So this is a candle, I thought to myself. What on earth can a bit of dust teach her?

***

katilara: From The Adventure Of The Star Ruby, one of the twelve short stories in The Conscience of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle:
Note: Only the book title is mentioned in the Sandman comic. The short story title was invented by myself.

Holmes held up the golden chain between two thin fingers, examining the stone and the fittings on either side.

"Imagine, Watson," he said languidly. "This bauble has lain on the breasts of operatic divas, eminent society queens, the wives of heads of state. Yet here it dangles, casting light upon our humble ceiling."

"What is to be done?" I asked. He placed it in a small box, which he sealed with paper. I cast my eyes upon the name there, but it was unfamiliar.

"One doesn't look for prize star rubies amongst the paste jewels of a courtesan's boudoir," Holmes said.

***

tarheel: From Frommer's Guide To Hell, Chapter X (Where To Eat):

If you are planning an extended soujourn in Hell, it is recommended that you bring your own snacks; dining establishments are few and far between, catering to very exclusive tastes. If, on the other hand, you are fond of the entrails of sinners, the heads of traitors, and vegetables grown in the forest of suicides, Hell is a gourmet's paradise!

Even those who have brought their own supply of food, as nonresident mortals are advised to do, should stop and visit the famed Pomegranate Tree. Be careful, however, not to sample its wares; they are known to cause immigration issues.

***

dopplegl: From Foodless Dieting: Slim Yourself Beautiful by Dr. Raven Sable, Chapter Five ("Beating The Cycle"):

...find yourself craving food. Who can blame you? From birth you have been taught to fulfill your addiction to eating. Mother has encouraged it, Father has approved it -- all your friends are Eaters! You may be tempted to ask "What is wrong with me? Why do I bother trying to break the digestion cycle?"

Did you know that many of the world's significant problems stem from this cycle? Landfills, the ravage of Mother Earth, the destruction of rain forests, pollution caused by trucks (carting food) cars (taking people to eat food) and power plants (heating ovens to prepare food)...

***

jedibix783: From Golde Diggers of 1589 by William Shakespeare:

BUSB. BERK. We are, I fear, long out of money, sooth.
FD. ASTR. But lo -- we have our dancing shoes --
BUSB. BERK. You knave! Dost thou not know the cost of those?
GN. KLLY. And then there is the cost of hall and stage!
FD. ASTR. Why should we need those things? I have a thought!
GN. KLLY. The only one thou ever had, I'm bound.
FD. ASTR. The show goes on the road!
OTHERS. On the road?
FD. ASTR. [singing] On the road on the road!
[Diurse actors, singers, dancers, jugglers, motleys join in]
ALL: On the road! On -- the -- roaaaaad!

Sam's Note: that's Busby Berkeley, Fred Astaire, and Gene Kelly, for those who are unfamiliar with the shortened-name system used by some shakespearean publishers..

Drabbles from Various Mystery and Horror Novels

Drabbles in this section have their original canon and author listed below the title.

adina_atl: From the introductory portion of The Murderer's Vade Mecum by Lord Peter Wimsey:
Lord Peter Wimsey series by Dorothy L Sayers

...vital to understand that, as our admirable "murder mystery" has been decried for its informative powers among the criminal population, a handbook for the committing of certain crimes might be praised in those same circles for informing the police. I have therefore determined to set down some brief observations on the subject in this form, that the mind of the criminal may be, as it were, an open book.

Man being the proper study of mankind, not only his noble traits but that seed of crime which may lie in each of us, I begin by pointing out some small...

***

adina_atl: From Death Betwixt Wind And Water by Harriet Vane, Chapter Four:
Lord Peter Wimsey series by Dorothy L Sayers

...not the ghastly, empty boat-house that drove him shouting up the hill; it was the blood. When she arrived she saw it before the the others, who were more concerned for his sanity than for what had caused such a lapse in it.

The blood was merely a reddish stain among stains on the wood planking, but some of it was still wet. She bent to examine it and then, slowly, looked up to the boathouse ceiling, which was an unusually high one.

There was a rusted chain showing signs of recent use, a pulley, and a vicious, blood-drenched hook.

***

coughingbear: From Mock Turtle, Chapter Twelve:
Lord Peter Wimsey series by Dorothy L Sayers

A deep lethargy settled upon him in this chilly wasteland. He felt himself slipping away like so much windblown snow, skidding across untouched ice.

He found himself bounded by the fact that in this country one could never see where the horizon ended and the sky began. He began to cling to visible things, rock crags and houses, and of course the wonderful people, clad in skins and thick fabrics from head to toe. These people who showed no horrible, oily, gleaming, glistening skin, whose bodies were shrouded in proper mystery, became his messiahs. They led him from his ennui...

***

Atrus: From The Giant Rat of Sumatra, Chapter One (The Hunt Begins):
The Sherlock Holmes canon by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

"Have you ever heard of the Willings empire?" Holmes asked me. "A very respectable old firm, so I'm told."

"I confess I have not; are they Scotch?"

Holmes laughed. "Scotch! They are Londoners, my dear man. Yes, I was surprised as well. I'd never heard of them, which is -- you'll excuse me -- even more unusual than for yourself, who takes no interest in London commerce."

"What do they do, then? Are they importers?"

"They make paper, or claim to." He threw the newspaper aside and rose, striding around the room with his customary grace and economy of movement. "They lie, of course."

***

madsciencechick: From Jenny, The Girl Jockey, Chapter Three:
Jeeves and Wooster by PG Wodehouse

"I'm so frightfully sorry!" Brucie exclaimed. "He's just a rather wild horse, you see."

"Yes, I rather think I do see," Jenny answered, ruefully brushing dirt from her dress. "Is he always so high-spirited?"

"It's only that no-one understands him," Brucie said mournfully. "Here, would you like a spot of tea?"

"Rather! How divine tea would be!"

"I believe we might have some finger-sandwiches. Only don't eat the watercress ones, mum likes to save those."

"What does she do with them?"

"Feeds them to the geese. Mum's wild about geese."

"Couldn't she feed the watercress to the geese?"

"No; they like the mayonnaise sauce Cook puts on them."

Sam's Note: Yeah, I suppose it's kind of a cheat to put J&W here, but whatever, they inspired Wimsey so I don't care.

***

flyakate: From Attic Room by William Denbrough, Chapter Three:
"It" by Stephen King

"It's just a leak, I'm certain."

"Course," Father grunted, pushing the trapdoor up with a single jerk.

Later, they said it must have been a freak accident. It wouldn't have been hard to freeze to death in the attic, unheated, empty of light. But he had frozen from the muscles up, so that the moisture in his body expanded and split every inch of his skin open into strips and rips before it froze entirely.

For some reason, his ribcage was still warm; his brain showed no trauma. He was still alive, the morgue staff realised, when his skin split open.

***

prodigal: From The King in Yellow, Act One:
The King in Yellow, short story anthology

[Jesters appear and perform diverse acts; the King Jester, clad in violent violet particolour, is the most capricious and nimble. When the music stops, he comes forward to the king.]

JESTER. Hullo Hal!
KING. Who calls me by my Christian name?
JESTER. A king to a king, of course!
KING. You are no king.
JESTER. King of Jesters.
KING. Jesters! Ha!
JESTER. They are more tractable than men.
KING. Then you are a lucky king.
JESTER. Perhaps I am a better king.
KING. Insolent!
JESTER. Command your men to cartwheel, and see if they obey! But king, be calm. I bring you a gift. [turning] Bring the pallid mask!

***

kitsune: From the frontispiece of the Necronomicon, in brownish ink and hastily handwritten:

The walls are thin here, reader. O reader do not be a reader. There are no readers, o reader. There are only gateways, o reader, and only readers are the gateway.

O my child, do you not hear how thin the walls are? Do you not see the blood that holds them back? Do you not see the gouges in the aging plaster where your fellow readers have fallen and clawed for purchase as they went? See you not my mark, beloved companion? It is there, in the sign of the name of an angel, sealing the thin walls.

***

primroseburrows: From the Necronomicon, near the end-chapters:

The book is no book, nor is any book, but a journey. The book is no book but a room. The book is no book. See now the journey, see now the thin-walled room. See now the dagger you are to take up. To travel further is to plunge the blade into the bloodied walls, to carve away the names of angels and the young gods of order.

Travel forward and whet the blade with the blood of your palms, that the blade be sharp thereby. Travel forward, keen-eyed, and let the blood conquer the young gods of order.